HARDCORE PAWN Episode 17: R-E-S-P-E-C-T! Find Out What It Means to Me!

"In the heart of Detroit's 8 Mile lies the city's biggest and baddest pawn shop...."

I am Michiganian by birth, Detroiter by heart. I spent more than 30 years in the Automotive Capital of Earth, became a man and a professional there, so shows that are set in Detroit or attempt to capture a slice of life in the Motor City are especially dear to me.

Hardcore Pawn is an amazingly successful, largely unsung Detroit TV wonder. Shot inside the now-iconic American Jewelry and Loan on Eight Mile Road, Hardcore Pawn is truTV's most consistently successful series: its Season Seven premiere this year drew the cable channel's largest audience ever in the coveted demo of adults 18-49. It's basic cable's No. 1 unscripted program in its 9 p.m. (EST) Tuesday time slot, spawned a spinoff series in Hardcore Pawn: Chicago and, if it weren't for the unbelievably whacked-out string of belligerent, ignorant, foulmouthed customers it spotlights, undoubtedly would be a continuing source of pride for Detroiters.

Moreover, I have gotten to know series stars Les and Seth Gold and Ashley Gold Broad personally. I've written several stories on the family-owned business, including this feature for HOUR Detroit magazine. I've even patronized the place: the wristwatch I wear every day was purchased at American Jewelry and Loan. So for its lucky seventh season, I've selected Hardcore Pawn to review in Big Glowing Box on a weekly basis. Here's a recap of Episode 17, aired August 20. But first:

What do you think, Hardcore fans? Was Les right in giving Seth only one day to run the store in Episode 16 before stripping him of his management duties and resuming control of the store? Or did he sense that Seth's new system was dragging the business down so quickly that he had to step in?

Tweet your opinion and thoughts @BigGlowingBox; we'll print some of the best comments in the next update.

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Dave Chappelle used to have a recurring segment on his sketch comedy series called "When Keeping It Real Goes Wrong." That description leaped to mind while watching the last five minutes of Episode 17, "Back in Action."

Even though he's still recovering from surgery and moving at half-speed, Les was so perturbed by the longer lines and (even more) irate (than usual) customers caused by Seth's new redemption policy that he reversed his decision to let Seth run American Jewelry and Loan on a temporary basis at the end of Episode 16 and reclaimed control of the store.

Now, Seth had every reason to be cheesed off that his dad gave him all of one day to implement his procedures before pulling the plug. And it's human nature to let your anger fester and want to lash out when your wings have been clipped. But Seth's response at the end of this half-hour left me with my mouth open and my own outrage rising in disbelief.

It's standard operating procedure on Hardcore Pawn that everybody yells. Les yells at Seth and Ashley. Seth and Ashley scream at each other. All three bellow simultaneously. Customers holler at store personnel, and they shout right back. All decibels considered, this may be the loudest show on TV. But Seth's rant at Les this time was...different.

Seth puts Seth and Ashley on probation. They're thrilled. (Turner/Mark Hill)

At the start of the episode, Les calls all the employees together and unleashes a scathing State of the Store address. "In 32 years of owning this store, it's never been so f----d up," he declares. (Really, Les? Not even in, like, Year Two?) "Everything is down! Retail is down, wholesale is down, loans are down, redeems are down! From now on, I'm in charge, and everybody's ass is on the line! Everyone!"

Without saying so specifically, it sounds like Les places the blame for AJ&L's recent downturn on his being out of the store and Seth's leadership skills. "Maybe if he had given me an opportunity to prove myself, since numbers were down in the past month, we wouldn't be in this mess," Seth retorts.

To prove he's serious, Les places Ashley and Seth on probation. Show me what you can do, that you two can handle the store, and we'll see where we go from here.

One self-proclaimed "collector of antiquities" brings in a 350 million-year-old dinosaur egg, still mostly intact. (Or so he claimed.) Two brothers arrive with 50 antique lighters from the 1930s-1970s, including one as big as your head. But none of those items were as remarkable as Seth's outburst.

Seth believes that Les has bum-rushed all his deals since he resumed power. For example, while Seth haggles with the brothers over a package price for the lighter collection, Les steps in, sets a bottom-line price and nixes the deal within two minutes. "Seth needs to understand, in order to make money you have to be efficient," he explains. "Either close the deal, or move on."

Predictably, Seth bristles at his father's intrusion. "If you go out and handle every situation, how am I supposed to learn?" he asks.

"Watch me," Les replies. Huh? Somebody's blood is on full boil now.

Later, Les is presented with an obviously attractive opportunity: a local football fanatic is offering a rare lithograph of legendary pro quarterbacks John Elway and Brett Favre by celebrated sports artist Danny Day, signed by both men, and miniature chrome helmets of all 32 NFL teams. Les knows he has something special here, but Seth is the resident sports memorabilia expert. So he turns to his son and asks for assistance.

Here it comes.

"Why do you need my help?" Seth snaps. "Apparently you know everything about the store. Apparently you know everything about everything! Why don't you handle it yourself?"

And that, my friends, is over...the...line.

In all my years faithfully watching Hardcore Pawn, I cannot recall such blatant insubordination by either Seth or Ashley toward their father. They disagree, sometimes vehemently, but they have never taken it to the level of disrespect or insolence. Until now.

I have often accused the Disney Channel of being an agent of Satan in the way it influences children to treat their parents. In almost every series on Mickey Media, the kids are wise and worldly little people who take their hopelessly brainless parents by the hand and solve the household's Crisis of the Week. And in last scene, Mom and Dad thank them for taking charge! If kids watch such idiocy every day for years on end, how do you think they believe it's acceptable to talk to their own parents?

As I was reminded recently when Seth made a personal appearance at a pawn shop in central Illinois (which I wrote about in the BGB recap of Episode 15), the Golds have more than a million fans of all ages, including impressionable children.What cues might young kids get for addressing their dad from watching how Seth lashes out at his father's authority?

Even though Seth admitted later that "maybe I did take it a little too far," by then the damage had been done. His confessional was comparable to the old newspaper custom of printing the retraction on Page 23Z.

The scene was unacceptable. And disappointing.

This episode also was significant for another moment I have never seen on Hardcore Pawn before: Ashley stepping out from behind the pay window and getting in the face of a screaming woman (in a really ill-fitting orange baseball cap...note to all women: men can wear their caps backwards, but it just makes you look ignorant) who demanded a big payout for her fake chain. Ash actually wagged her finger in the ill-mannered customer's face, rather than the other way around!

But here's the payoff: After taking the woman's best verbal shots, Ashley suggests the woman consider pawning her expensive watch instead. She thinks it over, agrees, then actually THANKS Ashley, in a calm and grateful voice, for her assistance. "You've been a great help, and I'll come back again," she says.

What? This is almost always the kind of encounter that ends with massive security guard Byron bouncing the belligerent babe out the door. Les observed the way his daughter diffused the potentially violent situation, and congratulated her. (Seth, of course, looked on ruefully.) And may I add here that I'm beginning to have a real problem with Seth and Ashley (mostly Seth) talking loud and threatening smack at customers, knowing they have Byron to finish what they start. Despite his age and his need to temporarily use a cane, Les is not afraid to back up his words with action.

Due largely to the way Ashley handled her ear-splitting patron, Les takes her off probation at show's end. Seth, however, remains under house scrutiny. "I'm very disappointed," says Les. "You're still on probation until I feel you are able to join this team. Got it?"

"Got it," Seth replies, then adds something interesting. "I own it."

And he should. Remember, kids, your parents brought you into this world. And they can take you out, too!

HARDCORE PAWN, Episode 16: System Failure, or Don't Hand Me That Line

In years to come, Hardcore Pawn aficionados and historians (do such people exist?) may well refer to this as the show's most regal episode: It's not every day you can see a Prince (impersonator) and a King (Tut sarcophagus) in the same 23 minutes.

But "Seth in Charge," this chapter of the continuing drama that is Detroit's American Jewelry and Loan, really revolves around Seth being chosen to run the store (again) while Les continues to recuperate from his hernia operation. Finally able to implement some modern store procedures without his dad's stifling Old School oversight, he establishes a new system he believes will improve the customer experience. Instead of having to stand in two lines before receiving their money, people now can simply walk up to Seth, armed with a printer and a cash box, and turn their pawn tickets into speedy green.

(Not sure about the wisdom of keeping a cash box out in the open, especially in Detroit and particularly given the wackos who routinely wander through AJ&L – there is a reason the money is usually protected behind double-thick windows, after all – but youth must be served.)

These smiles will not last through the entire episode. (Mark Hill/Turner)

Ashley, to the surprise of absolutely no one, thinks the plan is "dumb and irresponsible," "beyond ridiculous," and that her baby brother is making changes for no other reason than because he can. (The last time he made a major operational change at the store, she is fond of noting, most of the employees walked out in protest.) Les, still operating gingerly on his cane, is willing to hold his tongue – as long as he can – and allow Seth to assume the authority he has been given and run with it, asking Ashley to keep quiet and support her brother in the interim.

Well, here's a surprise: The new system quickly becomes a gigantic snafu, with lines snaking nearly out the door and hour-plus waits for service. "Growing pains," Seth declares it, but the furious pawnshop customers with steam coming out of their ears aren't quite so understanding. One, a blonde long-haired hippie freak with a portable TV in hand, storms Ashley's "jewelry window" and demands she take his set and give him something in return. So she does: She comes out from behind her window, takes the TV, hands it back to the barbarian and gives him security guard Byron, who quickly gives him the gate.

As the situation slowly sorts itself out, Seth and Bobby J are approached by a man in a baby blue suit with long flowing tails, whose conversation is punctuated by loud birdlike whoops. "Do you know who I am?" he asks in a husky voice.

Matter of fact, I think I do. Unless I miss my guess – or more than one of these fellows is running loose on the streets of Detroit – I believe this gent might be Prince St. Paul (Paul Jack William Hall), the Detroit-based Prince lookalike whom my friend Curtrise Garner wrote about so splendidly earlier this year in the Detroit Metro Times. While he may have to work on his material ("Look at this service I'm getting: I can see why doves cry"), he certainly cut a dynamic, showstopping figure in his brief retail excursion.

He said he came to pawn a diamond earring in order to get his little red Corvette repaired, but what he learned got him delirious: the rock was schlock. "That may be a real earring, but that's not a real diamond," Seth announced. ""Imitation Prince, imitation earring," chimed Bobby J.

Ah, well. One more full split on the floor in his see-through blue pants, and Prince dances away a pauper. (Read more about him here.)

Moments later, the pawn becomes a king. A man who says his entire home is decorated in an ancient Egyptian motif arrives with a genuine knockoff King Tut sarcophagus. "Where'd you get it? China?" Seth asks, and the seller sheepishly agrees that's possible.

Ashley is sharpening her claws waiting to see how Seth handles this oddball offering, but for one of the very few times in Hardcore Pawn history brother and sister see eye to eye. The Tut dragger wants $300; Seth offers $75. They agree to disagree, and the King has left the building.

Also worthy of note are the fellow who wanted to sell a beaming yellow suspension sand buggy that looked like a set of monkey bars on wheels, and the mouthy, self-proclaimed "pink b---h" who goes off when she can't retrieve her pink mink from the racks – even though her claim ticket clearly states her fur is brown.

"I ain't never comin' back to y'all!" she shouts once Byron has shown her the spacious parking area.

"See you tomorrow," Les shouts back.

However, it's an item as commonplace as a circular saw that ultimately tears it for Les. When a reedy, desperate man wants $200 for his saw only to be offered $20 in return (supply and demand, you know), he gets into everybody's face – including Les's. He may still be recovering, but Les doesn't take anybody calling him "old man" lying down. He sheds his cane, then rips into the insulting sawman himself. "He made me so angry, I don't even feel the pain any more," Les steams.

Family huddle. Les declares that Seth's new system is Public Enemy No. 1 for triggering the in-store chaos. "So here's the deal," he says. "I'M IN CHARGE! Until you can prove to me that you have the ability to run the store without me, it's gonna be my system. Period!"

Les isn't convinced either of his offspring can run American Jewelry and Loan in his absence, but as is frequently the case, Seth's reign is barely a drizzle. "He hasn't even given me a day to prove myself," Seth laments. "That's so typical of my dad."

But hey, in the middle of his diatribe Les did yell at Ashley to "stop kissing my ass." Little victories. Take 'em where you can get 'em.

HARDCORE PAWN, Episodes 13 and 14: Well, Hope You Kids Are Happy – Look What You've Done to Your Dad!

True Confession: I just got home from a two-week vacation at a tremendous Christian family camp in West Michigan called Gull Lake Ministries. Our family had a fantastic time – the only drawback being that until we checked in, I completely forgot the camp has no TVs.

Well, that's not completely true. I did locate two sets in the fitness center...locked to receive two stations only!

If watching television is your passion, the absence of 60-inch plasma screens for two weeks could trigger some major-league withdrawal. If you write about television, and have pledged yourself to follow one particularly popular made-in-Detroit reality series every week, not having access to cable TV could mean...well, I don't even want to talk about it.

I thought I'd be so far behind with the goings-on at American Jewelry and Loan by now that I couldn't possibly catch up – especially after what clearly were the pivotal episodes of Hardcore Pawn's entire seventh season.

Imagine my tremendous surprise to return to civilization and find that the season had been on vacation even longer than I was! From the end of Episode 13, which saw Les being rushed from the store in an ambulance while Ashley tenderly held his hand, to the beginning of this week's Episode 14 as Seth and Ashley try to carry on with business as usual, the better part of a month had passed!

Good to See Les Upright Again. (Credit: Turner/Mark Hill)

Talk about a cliffhanger.

Give truTV credit for trying to stretch out the season and milk new episodes of its most popular series for all they're worth, filling the void with reruns. But the gap between new installments this time was so long that producers had time to change the show's open, bumpers and theme music! (Gone, at least for now, is the long, familiar "In the heart of Detroit's 8 Mile" beginning, in favor of a compact open featuring glamour shots of the three principal players.) And if I can't keep track of when fresh shows are airing and I'm committed to knowing, what chance do loyal viewers possibly have?

Thought it was very clever how the first words you hear in Episode 14 are Seth's reflection that "Two weeks ago my dad collapsed inside the store...," setting up the notion that, hey, fans, you haven't missed anything; we've just been away. Even more clever, in my view, was the subtle foreshadowing that led up to Les's collapse in the first place. (Which, according to the storyline, was caused by a hernia that ultimately ruptured while the patriarch was showing up Seth and Ashley by hefting TVs in the warehouse with Bobby J. Though the injury required surgery, it still looked infinitely worse while Les was flat on his back in the store and apparently unconscious.)

At the end of Episode 12, after Les grows so fed up with his bickering brood that he sends both of them home early, he displays the oh-so-slightest wince of pain – so quick you could be looking at the screen and still miss it. A simple stress reaction over having to discipline his adult offspring, perhaps? Then, at least twice in Episode 13, it happens again. We're being set up for a big finish, and a wailing ambulance at the door of AJ&L that Les isn't trying to buy is pretty spectacular.

This two-episode arc is the perfect example of what kids who are blessed with older, wiser parents are frequently warned: When you're continuously arguing, and fighting, and disrespecting your elders and each other, you are slowly killing your parents. I know two teenage girls I'm going to strap into chairs and force to watch these two shows when they come around again in reruns.

Ashley and Seth were arguing violently just prior to Les hitting the floor, and they were shouting just as viciously over Seth's decision to reduce the store's workforce for a day when Les makes his surprise reappearance, walking with the aid of a cane.

"You're not supposed to be back for another week," Seth informs.

"What's the difference why I'm back?" Les snarls, turning to Ashley. "Get out of my chair. And thanks for the flowers."

Lying in a hospital bed, floating above your intense pain thanks to industrial-strength drugs, can give a man time to think about the future, Les announces. And he'll be gosh-darned (rather mild for Hardcore Pawn, granted, but words to that effect) if he'll let the business he spent a lifetime building crash and burn because his kids can't work together, especially since he has no idea when he'll be back at full strength. "I expect much more from the two of you," he says.

So Dad issues a challenge: He'll watch Ashley and Seth work the floor for one day only, and based upon what he sees he'll decide which of them will run the operation while he recuperates. This sounds like the type of competition Les has thrust his young'uns into countless times before, but there seems to be a certain finality – or perhaps, mortality – to the test this time around.

This is one of those rare Hardcore Pawn episodes in which the theme of the show completely overshadows the store's wacky customers. (Come to think of it, there wasn't much lunacy to rant about in Episode 13, either. However, the woman who decided to overcome her fear of flying by plunking her bottom into one of the airplane seats Ashley bought in Episode 10, refused to leave, tumbled to the floor from a phantom shove and claimed assault as Byron showed her the exit, then massaged her bloated breasts once she was outside the store certainly merits a dishonorable mention.)

Neither Ashley nor Seth are what one might call slow to anger, but I think most impartial observers would agree that Ashley is much quicker to let her emotions dictate her interactions with customers. Unfortunately, she let that element of her personality surface during the one-day contest, which is why, at the end of the episode, Les announced to the staff that he decided to turn the reins of American Jewelry and Loan over to....

Seth.

Ashley always feels like she got run over by an ambulance in such situations, and she should: she's the older sibling, and never lets Seth forget that while he was out trying to "find himself," she's been at Daddy's side in the pawn shop since she was old enough to lift a gold necklace, learning the business organically.

But what do you think? Did Les make the right choice by putting Seth in charge?

You know we'll find out soon enough. Maybe as soon as...next week?

HARDCORE PAWN, Episode Twelve: And You'll Go to Bed Without Your Supper, Too!

"In the heart of Detroit's 8 Mile lies the city's biggest and baddest pawn shop...."

I am Michiganian by birth, Detroiter by heart. I spent more than 30 years in the Automotive Capital of Earth, became a man and a professional there, so shows that are set in Detroit or attempt to capture a slice of life in the Motor City are especially dear to me.

Hardcore Pawn is an amazingly successful, largely unsung Detroit TV wonder. Shot inside the now-iconic American Jewelry and Loan on Eight Mile Road, Hardcore Pawn is truTV's most consistently successful series: its season seven premiere last March 26 drew the cable channel's largest audience ever in the coveted demo of adults 18-49. It's basic cable's No. 1 unscripted program in its 9 p.m. (EST) Tuesday time slot, spawned a spinoff series in Hardcore Pawn: Chicago and, if it weren't for the unbelievably whacked-out string of belligerent, ignorant, foulmouthed customers it spotlights, would be a continuing source of pride for Detroiters.

Moreover, I have grown to know series stars Les and Seth Gold and Ashley Gold Broad personally. I've written several stories on the family-owned business, including this feature for HOUR Detroit magazine. I've even patronized the place: the wristwatch I wear every day was purchased at American Jewelry and Loan. So for its lucky seventh season, I've selected Hardcore Pawn as a series to review here on a weekly basis. Here's a recap of Episode Twelve, aired on July 2:

Last week we bemoaned the lackluster quality of Episode 11, which we'll call "Ashley's 'Stay Out of My Deals, Seth – or Else!" show.  I even suggested that last week might have been the disposable, sacrificial-lamb episode used to set the stage for some Big Bang spectacular to follow.

Well, I don't like to brag when I'm right, but I'm so seldom right that please allow me to say: BOY, WAS I RIGHT!

Like the opposite side of the same Gold coin, Episode 12 was everything Episode 11 was not: roundly entertaining, unpredictable and unusually visceral. It featured extremely loud and obnoxious customers (even for Hardcore Pawn), a surprising act of charity and a shocking (does that word get used too often in reality TV?) final act. There actually were "firsts" in this episode, and for a series that's been around seven seasons, that's saying something.

Even the weekly bickering between Ashley and Seth that is the one constant of this series, even though you know it's greatly intensified for the sake of the camera (you do know that, right?), seemed more vehement, more personal – more real – this time around.

The episode touched upon two great ills of our present-day society: the woeful lack of self-esteem among many of today's young women, like the show's first customer who demanded $1,500 for a sack of baseball cards so she could bail her "baby daddy" out of jail, convinced he loves her because she was the first of his many woman he called for money (Dr. Phil should have been in line right behind her); and fears over our economy and soaring gas prices, evidenced by the fellow who wanted to sell his circular saw just for cash to fill up his tank.

Ashley is negotiating each deal and Seth is certain she's in over her head with both, her knowledge of sports memorabilia and power tools not being exactly profound. The first deal blows up when the customer refuses to take less money, eventually mooning security chief Byron after he shows her the door. (Do these people act like this at Walmart, too?) The second, although it appears to progressing smoothly, prompts Seth to jump in and "rescue" it, over Ashley's repeated protests of, "I got this...I got this."

And she believed she did. "I had the saw under control," she screamed, bursting into Seth's office after the deal was completed.

"When have you had anything under control?" Seth mocked, reminding her of two deals from the previous week, for gold and home repair materials, that had their issues.

"I don't need your help!" she steamed. "I need you to stay out of my business! I'm warning you."

Ooooh, a threat. Or foreshadowing, depending on your definition. Les commented that he's sick of watching his offspring bickering like three-year-olds, which may be an insult to three-year-olds everywhere. 

Then came one of the coolest moments in Hardcore Pawn history. A gentleman arrived from a small nonprofit museum in Howell and said he has an "insane" hobby of collecting nautical antiques. He showed Les an 1875 U.S. Lighthouse Service fog signal, a device most of us (including Les) never knew existed. It's a wooden box with a hand crank atop it which, when taken to the farthest point of shore and activated, makes a droning, gawdawful noise. Les made the mistake of asking if it works, and the seller was only too happy to demonstrate – in the middle of the showroom.

Les wants it. Badly. So badly that when the two can't come to terms between the owner's $750 lowest price and Les's $500 counteroffer and the man turned to walk out, Les chased him down before he could reach the door. How about $550, Les proposed.

Instead, the seller made a startling proposal. "I know you have a nonprofit you care about," he said. (Actually Les has a few, including Detroit's Heat and Warmth Fund, or THAW.) "Give me the $750 and I will turn around and donate it to your nonprofit."

'You two – take a hike!' Les demands. (Turner: Mark Hill)

Les, seldom one at a loss for words, is nearly knocked speechless. "He made an offer that even I can't refuse," he marveled.

You'd prefer to leave a tender moment alone, but the good feelings and bonhomie were quickly shattered by an earsplitting, frustrated customer who erupts after claiming she'd waited in line over two hours. Much to Ashley's delight, Seth's calm explanations to the woman appeared to have no effect whatsoever, so Ashley felt obligated to step into this "deal."

This obscene, boorish babe will be remembered for several things: placing the blame on American Jewelry and Loan for not informing her earlier when Ashley discovered she'd been standing in the wrong line for two hours, and loudly clapping her hands in Ashley's face, gospel revival style, while ordering her to "Begone!" as their confrontation heated up. (Ashley retaliated by clapping her hands in the same manner; they nearly had a clapping slap-off.)

But it was the string of insults she spewed as she was led to the exit that will resound for some time. "You're Daddy's Girl, b***h!" she hurled. "Your brother don't even like you, ho!"

And to Les, once she's outside: "That's your daughter?" she charged."You should have slapped that b***h hefore the doctor did when she came out!" Not exactly original material, but inventive for the moment. (And significant, as one of the rare scenes where a customer tacitly acknowledges knowing the Golds from the show. Often customers act as if the Golds are simply pawn shop proprietors they've never seen before, which at this stage of the game in Detroit seems a bit preposterous.)

Ah, but the coup de grace of this episode, which led to a historic first for the show, was yet to come. A customer named Scott came in with an autographed Detroit Tigers baseball from 1970 that he received through an inheritance. He's not from Detroit so the ball has no significance to him, and he needed to sell it to finance a trip to Puerto Rico. Naturally, Ashley handled the transaction. Just as naturally, Seth was certain she'd botch things up.

"What do you know about baseball?' Seth demanded. "A lot," Ashley replied. They commenced offering conflicting prices for the ball, to the point where Scott felt compelled to ask, "Who am I negotiating here with?"

The bidding war then escalated into a vicious argument over how much Ashley knows about baseball, so loud that Les cranked up the antique fog machine he purchased earlier to try and quiet them down!

Scott was told to shut up in the middle of his own deal, and he'd seen enough. "I'll take my business elsewhere," he said, snatching back his baseball. "You two can finish this up on your own time. I thought you were professional and tactful. Evidently I was mistaken."

Ouch! An articulate customer putdown. And Les was livid! He doesn't have many rules, but arguing in public in front of a customer and blowing a deal rank at the top.

"I have never been more embarrassed of my children than I am at this moment!" he bellowed, then did the unimaginable: Les sends both his kids home immediately, warning them not to return until their attitudes improve and their bickering ceases. If they're going to act like children, he will treat them as such! I've never seen that take place before, veteran Hardcore Pawn viewers, have you?

And did you catch the very slight wince of discomfort Les displayed at the end of the episode? A stress-induced attack, perhaps? What a great little moment of setting the stage for next week's show! Let's hope there are no ambulances in the parking lot...not even for sale.

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Nothing in these 30 minutes worth upsetting the delicate balance of our Top 5 Most Outrageous Hardcore Pawn Customer Ejections of the season. So they remain the same, and the same is as follows: 

5. The "running naked guy" from Episode Ten who broke a floor lamp on the AJ&L sales floor, then tried to blame security chief Byron for the damage. After Byron responded to his accusation by showing him the door, he vented his outrage by stripping off his clothes and dashing au naturel around the store's parking lot yelling, "I make you horny bitches." A tough act to follow – in more ways than one.

4. The sentimental fool from Episode One who tried to pawn one of his late grandmother's rings in the same breath he mourned her recent death. His verbal and physical assault on Ashley sparked Les's rage, because NOBODY insults his daughter in his store. The confrontation brought Ashley to tears.

3. "DogMan," the tall computer genius with anger management issues in Episode Two who orders Les to retrieve the hard drive from his pawned PC and calls everybody "Dog." "Who let the dog out?" asked Les, who unleashed his first "MF" of the season. "Byron let the dog out!"

 

2. The belligerent, bare-butt bonehead from Episode Seven who pulled items off the shelves as Les looked on, then tried to sell Les's own merchandise back to him. When his scam was revealed, the ballsy burglar was dragged kicking to the exit – and his balls were about the only thing we didn't see as his jeans dropped to his ankles. "Time for your ass to be thrown out," Les ordered. "And what an ass that was."

And the returning champ among the three-fries-short-of-a-Happy-Meal crowd, still leader of the pack at No. 1:

The boy genius from Episode One who came in looking to buy a portable generator and asked, "It doesn't run on electricity, does it?" When he demanded to bring the generator to his home to test it out and was summarily refused, he got the Byron Bounce and ended up humping one of the tall front-door pylons on his way to the parking lot.

Well, he sure showed them something, didn't he?

HARDCORE PAWN, Episode Eleven: A 'Case' for Ashley's Revenge

"In the heart of Detroit's 8 Mile lies the city's biggest and baddest pawn shop...."

I am Michiganian by birth, Detroiter by heart. I spent more than 30 years in the Automotive Capital of Earth, became a man and a professional there, so shows that are set in Detroit or attempt to capture a slice of life in the Motor City are especially dear to me.

Hardcore Pawn is an amazingly successful, largely unsung Detroit TV wonder. Shot inside the now-iconic American Jewelry and Loan on Eight Mile Road, Hardcore Pawn is truTV's most consistently successful series: its season seven premiere last March 26 drew the cable channel's largest audience ever in the coveted demo of adults 18-49. It's basic cable's No. 1 unscripted program in its 9 p.m. (EST) Tuesday time slot, spawned a spinoff series in Hardcore Pawn: Chicago and, if it weren't for the unbelievably whacked-out string of belligerent, ignorant, foulmouthed customers it spotlights, would be a continuing source of pride for Detroiters.

Moreover, I have grown to know series stars Les and Seth Gold and Ashley Gold Broad personally. I've written several stories on the family-owned business, including this feature for HOUR Detroit magazine. I've even patronized the place: the wristwatch I wear every day was purchased at American Jewelry and Loan. So for its lucky seventh season, I've selected Hardcore Pawn as a series to review here on a weekly basis. Here's a recap of Episode Eleven, aired on June 25:

Any successful TV series that's been on the air seven seasons invariably is going to have episodes that seem imitative, lackluster, or make you feel certain you've seen them before. Such is the "case" (a play on words that will become clear in a minute) with this week's Hardcore Pawn Episode Eleven, a half-hour that felt like it was being used primarily as the setup for bigger fireworks to come next week.

Coming as it did on the heels of one of the year's most entertaining episodes – featuring Ashley prancing about the store last week as an oversized dollar-bill mascot, and a running naked guy terrorizing the parking lot – made this show look all the more uninspired. It centered around the eternal Hardcore Pawn conflict: Ashley vs. Seth in the battle of who can run the store more effectively. But while this theme has been played out time and time again in fresh and inventive ways (remember the massive "Make Her Quit" billboard Seth purchased to hover over American Jewelry and Loan in Episode Three?), this episode's sibling clash seemed recycled and flat by comparison.

It began when a young man brought in a trio of Native American artifacts to sell. One of the pieces, a war club, had a small face carved in the handle with brown strands sticking out of each side as hair. Seth playfully put the handle next to Ashley's face, prompting the customer to comment, "It looks closer to you...It has the same color hair."

They may have been teasing, but Ashley was not! She sent the customer, his relics and his smart remarks packing without even making an offer on the items.

"He was rude, Seth," she explains.

(Credit: Mark Hill/Turner)

"You can't close a deal if your ego gets in the way," Seth responds.

In Seth's view, Ashley goes on to potentially ruin two more deals. One was with a fellow who had cases of faucets, tiles and other home improvement goods, when she insisted he go back home and bring in all the materials he wanted to sell before she would make an offer. The other was a kindly gent named Peter who needed to sell an ornate, heirloom gold pocket watch and other gold pieces to help put his kids through college.

He asked for $3,000; Ashley countered with $2,000. He went down to $2,500; she eventually came up to $2,400. But surprisingly, Peter turned her down, stuffing his jewelry back in his pocket while asking the question many customers (and viewers) probably as: "Why didn't I get that price in the beginning, that offer?"

"Do you know where you are?" Ashley snapped back. "This is a pawn shop. We negotiate."

Well, negotiate this, Peter responded by his actions, turning on his heel and hitting the door. (Ashley wouldn't even shake his hand at the end of their dealings, a small slight I found disconcerting.)

Seth accuses Ashley of screwing up potentially profitable deals for American Jewelry and Loan with everything she touches and takes his complaints to Daddy Les, with Ashley joining in to defend herself. Les really is concerned about only two things: (1) closing every deal to make money for the store, and (2) not violating his No. 1, cardinal rule: No arguing in front of customers on the sales floor. To forge an uneasy truce, Les assigns Seth to the showroom and Ashley to the back office. Ashley, of course, believes the men have taken sides against her.

The only true highlight (or lowlight, depending upon your point of view) of this show came with the arrival of one of AJ&L's recurring customers, a wild-eyed loon who appears to be a few diamonds short of a brooch. This time he enters the store dragging a large black upright bass case (this is the "case" reference, see?) with something inside it that's clearly not a bass violin.

Now, in these dangerous days, anybody carrying a suspicious-looking package – especially one that big – into a public place is subject to immediate scrutiny. But Mr. Maniac doesn't want his case touched, much less searched, and hangs onto it like a junkyard dog with a new trespasser's leg...until his strap breaks.

Some people have said I give away too many details in these recaps and potentially ruin the surprises for those who haven't see the episode. So I'll just put it this way: When Les wrests the case away from Customer Kooky and zips it open, even a veteran gold merchant such as he was impressed by the look and dazzle of a gold lamé G-string.

Even the obligatory angry customer at the pawn window didn't seem to express his outrage as vehemently as his predecessors in past weeks. (True, he did bang his stocking-capped head against the thick glass partition, but not hard enough to actually break it.) Everybody except crazy bass-case carrying dude gave the impression of going through the motions. And when Ashley storms out of Les's office warning, "STAY OUT OF MY DEALS!" at show's end, you just know she's plotting some wicked scheme of retribution against Father and Brother.

Which we'll have to wait until next week to enjoy. Same time, same station.

As Jim Leyland says at least 20 times a season after a Detroit Tigers game, they can't all be gems. Our 13-year-old twin girls walked through the room just long enough to see Ashley's encounter with Peter the Insulted Gold Watch Seller. One of them turned to me and said, "She was so rude to that guy."

From the mouths....

*          *          *

Nothing this week worthy of upsetting the apple-pie order of our Top 5 most outlandish Hardcore Pawn ejections of the season. So after a complete upheaval of the rankings last week, the list remains untouched this time around.

Our rogues' gallery reads as follows: 

5. The aforementioned "running naked guy" above from Episode Ten who knocked over and broke a floor lamp on the AJ&L sales floor, then tried to blame security chief Byron for the damage. After Byron responded by showing him the door, he vented his outrage by stripping off his clothes and dashing au naturel around the parking lot yelling, "I make you horny bitches." A tough act to follow – in more ways than one.

4. The sentimental fool from Episode One who tried to pawn one of his late grandmother's rings in the same breath he mourned her recent death. His verbal and physical assault on Ashley sparked Les's rage, because NOBODY insults his daughter in his store. The confrontation brought Ashley to tears.

3. "DogMan," the tall computer genius with anger management issues in Episode Two who orders Les to retrieve the hard drive from his pawned PC and calls everybody "Dog." "Who let the dog out?" asked Les, who unleashed his first "MF" of the season. "Byron let the dog out!"

2. The belligerent, bare-butt bonehead from Episode Seven who pulled items off the shelves as Les looked on, then tried to sell Les's own merchandise back to him. When his scam was revealed, the ballsy burglar was dragged kicking to the exit – and his balls were about the only thing we didn't see as his jeans dropped to his ankles. "Time for your ass to be thrown out," Les ordered. "And what an ass that was."

And all hail the past and present champ, still ruling at No. 1:

The boy genius from Episode One who came in looking to buy a portable generator and asked, "It doesn't run on electricity, does it?" When he demanded to bring the generator to his home to test it out and is denied, he got the Byron Bounce and ended up humping one of the tall front-door pylons on his way to the parking lot.

Brings a whole new meaning to the phrase, "Poletown."

HARDCORE PAWN, Episode Ten: Big Bets, 'Major Savings' and Naked Guy

"In the heart of Detroit's 8 Mile lies the city's biggest and baddest pawn shop...."

I am Michiganian by birth, Detroiter by heart. I spent more than 30 years in the Automotive Capital of Earth, became a man and a professional there, so shows that are set in Detroit or attempt to capture a slice of life in the Motor City are especially dear to me.

Hardcore Pawn is an amazingly successful, largely unsung Detroit TV wonder. Shot inside the now-iconic American Jewelry and Loan on Eight Mile Road, Hardcore Pawn is truTV's most consistently successful series: its season seven premiere last March 26 drew the cable channel's largest audience ever in the coveted demo of adults 18-49. It's basic cable's No. 1 unscripted program in its 9 p.m. (EST) Tuesday time slot, spawned a spinoff series in Hardcore Pawn: Chicago and, if it weren't for the unbelievably whacked-out string of belligerent, ignorant, foulmouthed customers it spotlights, would be a continuing source of pride for Detroiters.

Moreover, I have grown to know series stars Les and Seth Gold and Ashley Gold Broad personally. I've written several stories on the family-owned business, including this feature for HOUR Detroit magazine. I've even patronized the place: the wristwatch I wear every day was purchased at American Jewelry and Loan. So for its lucky seventh season, I've selected Hardcore Pawn as a series to review here on a weekly basis. Here's a recap of Episode Ten, aired on June 18:

Before we go to this week's episode, first we have BREAKING NEWS: Les Gold tells TMZ that for the right price, he would purchase the poop-filled diapers of Kim Kardashian's baby if he could make a (very) fast turnaround for profit!


Or something like that. You know how TMZ loves to ambush people with stupid questions. Anyway, here's the video, from the TMZ website:

 

The reality that everybody except network TV programmers seems to understand jumped up and bit me in the backside: When you break up a show's string of new episodes with several weeks of reruns, viewers drift away. They forget. They fall out of their routine.

So it was that when truTV interrupted the flow of our favorite pawn-shop series a few weeks, I ended up missing the coverage of a first-run episode or two. Or three. Hey, I got busy. Sorry. So before we take a close look at this week's show, allow me to bring the Hardcore Pawn storyline up to date.

Les strikes a handshake deal with Gary, a watch broker with whom he'd done business before, to walk out the door of American Jewelry and Loan with a $50,000 Breitling wristwatch (negotiated down to $42,500) he was to show to an interested buyer. He left Les with an IOU scrawled on the back of a business card.

Ashley and Seth, to no one's surprise, assault their dad with howls of outrage, but Les uses the deal as a teaching moment: you have to have trust in your fellow businesspeople, he explains. Gary will be back the next day with the money, as he promised, and a high-end item will be off our sales floor.

(Side note: While this is going on, the backwoods witless wonder in Episode Seven who pulled merchandise off the showroom floor, tried to sell it back to Les, then called Les a "bucktoothed, bald-headed m----r f----r" when he wouldn't take the bait, catapulted himself into the pantheon of Top 5 Best Customer Ejections of the Year. See below.)

Of course, Gary becomes the Invisible Man. He's going out of town on business, he'll get back to Les soon, don't worry about the watch or the money. The Critical Kids are giving Dad major league grief. Security chief Byron announces that a big delivery has arrived for Les, who's unavailable, and asks Seth to sign for it.

Why, it's Gary's payment for the watch. Not in cash, but in kind – 40,000 watchbands!

Credit: Mark Hill/Turner

As Seth and Ashley prepare their sharpest insults and scramble to find a dunce cap for Dad, Les remains unbowed: Surveying boxes filled with watchbands stacked two stories high, he reasons that if he sells them all at $2 apiece, he'll walk away with a handsome profit for the Breitling. He becomes obsessed with doing just that and sticking his kids' wisecracks down their throats, going so far as to dress  dependable Bobby J in a sandwich board and have him waving watchbands on Greenfield Avenue.

Ultimately Les resorts to hawking the watchbands out of the box, Old School-style, to American Jewelry and Loan customers inside the store, for $1 each. He makes $40 for his fevered effort and Ashley and Seth are ready to swoop in for the verbal kill, but Les has something up his sleeve besides a watchband – a purchase order from a wholesaler who's agreed to buy 39,500 of them at $1.50 each, more than $20,000 profit! "Ashley and Seth need to learn: DON'T QUESTION THEIR FATHER!" Les pronounces.

By Episode 10 the watchbands have shipped out and things are back to normal at AJ&L – well, as normal as things get, anyway – in one of the most entertaining half-hours of the season.

Fans of the show may be talking about this week about Ashley losing a coin toss to Seth and prancing around the store as an oversized green dollar-bill mascot named "Major Savings." But they DEFINITELY will be jabbering about the scruffy lunatic who knocked over a floor lamp and broke it in plain view of Byron and Bobby J, then not only denied doing it but tried to place the blame on Byron.

After the man refused to pay for the lamp and was shown the front door via Byron's firm hand, he decides that if Byron wants a piece of him, he can have every piece. He tosses off all his clothes and proceeds to run around the parking lot completely naked, shouting "I make you horny bitches!" (whatever that means) and flashing everyone in sight, including Les, Seth and Bobby J who have gathered outside to watch.

"I know Byron is not going to apprehend this guy," Bobby observes. "You just let him go." And so they did, running out of the parking lot and into Hardcore Pawn Season 7 lore.

"I guess he didn't have any money for the lamp," Byron deadpans.

 

Pegasus (tvacres.com)

Ashley sees her chance for revenge on the "dancing dollar" humiliation when Don, a regular customer, walks in with a large metal "Pegasus" symbol, the red flying horse that was the trademark of Mobil Oil for decades in the early 20th century. Don wants $3,000 for the antique; Seth counters with $700. They negotiate. Seth comes up as high as $1,000, but Don eventually takes his flying horse and walks.

Ashley believes that Les always overpays for a vintage item with Detroit connections, and bets Seth $100 that Les would have paid more than $1,000 for Pegasus. "This is a prime opportunity to make Seth look like an idiot," she delights.

She calls Don back to the store. He shows Les the horse. The highest he'll go is $550. Drat! Seth wins again! Five $20 bills, please.

Seth lets Les in on the bet, and Les is perturbed that he wasn't let in on the action. Never takes long for another wagering opportunity to come along at AJ&L, however: A pilot is outside who wants to sell two first-class airline seats – not tickets, but the actual seats themselves. Ashley goes outside to take a look. No way will she make an offer on airplane chairs, Les declares. Seth proposes a new bet: This time, the loser will have to take over Larry the housekeeper's job and vacuum and clean the store.

The pilot seeks $800 for his seats. To Les's shock, Ashley counters with $150. And...she makes the deal!

Les was running his mouth; now he's running a vacuum cleaner, as a relaxing Larry looks on.

"You missed a spot," Larry notes.

*          *          *

Looks like it's "skin to win" when it comes to our ongoing ranking of Top 5 most outrageous Hardcore Pawn ejections of the season. As mentioned above, the belligerent bumpkin from Episode Seven who tried to sell Les stuff that he watched the fool pull off the pawn shop shelves has vaulted onto the list, not necessarily because he had the balls to attempt such a brazen stunt, but because his balls were about the only thing we didn't see when Byron "escorted" him to the exit.

"Time for your ass to be thrown out," Les orders. Literally, as the village idiot's jeans tumbled past his knees. "And what an ass that was," Les notes.

But if he makes the list for his pants falling off, how can we deny Naked Guy from this week's show who bared it all? Well, we can't, and our Top 5 has been thrown into upheaval as a result. The rankings now are as follows:

5. Lamp-breaking Naked Guy from Episode Ten.

4. The sentimental fool from Episode One who tried to pawn one of his late grandmother's rings in the same breath he mourns her recent death. His verbal and physical assault on Ashley sparked Les's rage, because NOBODY insults his daughter in his store. It also brought Ashley to tears.

3. "DogMan," the tall computer genius with anger management issues in Episode Two who orders Les to retrieve the hard drive from his pawned PC and calls everybody "Dog." "Who let the dog out?" asked Les, who unleashed his first "MF" of the season. "Byron let the dog out!"

2. Bare Butt Bonehead from Episode Seven, and,

Continuing its all-season reign at No. 1:

The boy genius from Episode One who came in looking to buy a portable generator and asked, "It doesn't run on electricity, does it?" When he demanded to bring the generator to his home to test it out and is denied, he got the Byron Bounce and ended up humping one of the tall front-door pylons on his way to the parking lot!

Mamas, don't let your sons wind up working the pole.

HARDCORE PAWN Episode Six: Everybody's 'Fired' Up!

"In the heart of Detroit's 8 Mile lies the city's biggest and baddest pawn shop...."

I am Michiganian by birth, Detroiter by heart. I spent more than 30 years in the Automotive Capital of Earth, became a man and a professional there, so shows that are set in Detroit or attempt to capture a slice of life in the Motor City are especially dear to me.

Hardcore Pawn is an amazingly successful, largely unsung Detroit TV wonder. Shot inside the now-iconic American Jewelry and Loan on Eight Mile Road, Hardcore Pawn is truTV's most consistently successful series: its season seven premiere last March 26 drew the cable channel's largest audience ever in the coveted demo of adults 18-49. It's basic cable's No. 1 unscripted program in its 9 p.m. (EST) Tuesday time slot, spawned a spinoff series in Hardcore Pawn: Chicago and, if it weren't for the unbelievably whacked-out string of belligerent, ignorant, foulmouthed customers it spotlights, would be a continuing source of pride for Detroiters.

Moreover, I have grown to know series stars Les and Seth Gold and Ashley Gold Broad personally. I've written several stories on the family-owned business, including this feature for HOUR Detroit magazine. I've even patronized the place: the wristwatch I wear every day was purchased at American Jewelry and Loan. So for its lucky seventh season, I've selected Hardcore Pawn as a series to review here on a weekly basis. Here's a recap of Episode Six, aired on April 30:

Hyped by the most eye-popping promo commercial of the season – an erotic encounter between a customer and a stuffed bear in the middle of the showroom, and a wild-eyed Seth ranting in the warehouse before deciding on his own to fire an employee – the sixth episode of Hardcore Pawn, "Busted," promised much. And for the most part, it delivered.

 

This may not be the best half-hour of the season to date (Episode Three, the sibling rivalry contest between Ashley and Seth that culminated in Seth's huge "Make Her Quit" billboard over the store, may claim that honor), but it might be my favorite thus far.

 

Along the way we learned a new term of endearment – "Asha-Lee-Lee" – and an exotic new urban verb construction – "better don't," as in, "You better don't miss an episode of Hardcore Pawn. But if you do, you can always read the Big Glowing Box recap!"

Six weeks in, the arrest of American Jewelry and Loan's head of security for a series of thefts in the jewelry repair area, the shocking conclusion to last season, still impacts the action at the pawn shop. The mounting father-son anger between Les and Seth is thick enough to cut with a diamond as this episode commences, with Seth announcing that jewelry repair expert Jeff is out sick. 

 

Subsequently, Seth issues a loud, ominous "zero tolerance" warning to the staff: absolutely NO ONE is to venture into Jeff's work area. Failure to comply will be cause for immediate dismissal.

(You can see the future at this point, right?)

(Credit: Mark Hill/Turner)

More troubling is the fact that Les already issued such a warning previously, yet Seth feels the need to restate it and up the ante with the threat of unemployment. "I can't believe my dad and brother are still fighting, and now they won't even talk to each other," Ashley laments. "If the two of them don't get on the same page, the whole store is going to crumble." 

 

Well, that may be overstating matters a touch, but anytime Ashley has to serve as peacemaker you know all is not well in the land of Gold.

Apparently her calming intentions extend to the customers. A quick, tart-tongued Little Richard lookalike is cussing out the entire window staff to retrieve his TV out of hock until Ashley intervenes. Once they establish their mutual love for Detroit, the perturbed patron instantly softens. He even leaves the window smiling – until he inspects his set and discovers scratches he insists were not there before. 

 

Ashley notes that his claim ticket says otherwise, inciting his ire once again. "Asha-Lee-Lee, listen to me-me!" he implores. 

 

When he refuses to leave the store, Les steps in. When he wags his finger in Les's face, the customer steps out. Quickly, with security guard Byron's help. "Bald-headed rascal!" he shouts at Les upon departing.

Irate customer No. 2 arrives. (Where do they all come from? Can there really be that much anger in Detroit?) He contends the ring he bought at AJ&L was dirty, and his lady isn't going to give him any until he gets it cleaned. 

 

Les asks longtime employee Bobby J. to go clean and polish the ring – which of course means he must travel into Jeff's off-limits workspace! When Seth, who's monitoring the security cameras like an IRS agent scrutinizes your return, sees Bobby walking around Jeff's desk without context, his next move is clear.

Meanwhile, although it's hard to label any segment "weirdest" amid the long legacy of Hardcore Pawn lunacy, two moments in this episode deserve at least to be in the discussion. One is a google-eyed gent so attracted to a full-sized stuffed and mounted black bear that, well, he looks like he wants to stuff and mount it. He sniffs it, lovingly plays with its fur, even sticks his hand between its legs (triggering one of the greatest Ashley reaction shots ever) before finally deciding "we (he and the bear) are not feeling it." 

 

"I saw this guy meet a bear, have a relationship with the bear and break up with the bear, all in a matter of five minutes," Ashley marvels. 

 

Later, a woman and her sardonic daughter arrive with a cart full of "really expensive stuff" – old liquor bottles, vinyl albums and a stamp collection among them. When Les informs the mom that her items are "a whole lotta nothin'," daughter can't resist an I-told-you-so wisecrack. Mama don't take no mess. 

 

"You better don't go there!" she snaps back, and suddenly their give-and-take turns physical, as in trading punches in the showroom. 

Peace is quickly restored and the two women escorted from the premises, with Les pushing mom's cart full of dreams behind them. "You better don't leave this stuff in here," he says. In the process, Les delivers one of the all-time great ironic lines in Hardcore history: 

 

"I can't believe a mother and daughter were just fighting over a stamp collection," he deadpans. "I hate when families fight."

 

Les, still pining over his failure to close the deal on a replica Vernor's ginger ale delivery truck in Episode Four, buys a neon Vernor's window sign as kind of a personal consolation prize. But the big fizz in this episode is Seth calling Bobby into his office and actually firing him for entering the sacred jewelry repair territory. 

 

When Bobby responds that Les authorized him to be there, Seth has no choice but to rescind his termination. "I'm pissed," says Seth. "I don't want my dad making me look like the a--hole because he's breaking his own f---ing rules!"

 

The father-son confrontation at show's end seemed louder and even more ferocious than normal. "You were going to fire Bobby J. without even talking to me about it?" Les charges. "What the hell is wrong with you? Who you gonna fire next, Seth...me?"

 

Ohhh, wouldn't he like to? He thinks the old man is "screwing up" (his words) by not following his own policies; Les is furious that his son would berate him in front of the employees. Enter Ashley the Peacemaker to halt their tirade. "You two have to talk to each other!" she pleads. "You two have been at each other's throats ever since Joe got caught stealing! It's time to move on."

 

Think they will? Hey, it's a long season. They've got plenty episodes to go.   

#          #          #

It took four long weeks, but we finally have a cockeyed customer with the chutzpah to rank as one of our Top 5 most outrageous Hardcore Pawn ejections of the season.

 

The quick, sharp-tongued man in this episode's first scene who became enchanted by Ashley – or "Asha-Lee-Lee," as he preferred – only to eventually wag his finger in Les's face (a serious American Jewelry and Loan no-no) over his scratched TV screen displaces Josh, the determined doofus from Dallas in Episode Three, in the No. 5 spot on our list. (Are congratulations in order here? It's hard to say.) However, the four best toss-outs from 2013 remain unchanged. They are:

4. Patrick, the demented drum dealer from Up North in Episode Three who declared, "Everybody knows Ashley from American Jewelry and Loan is a bitch!" Security chief Byron showed Patrick the door so quickly, Ashley had to chase him down in the parking lot to return his "antique" African drum.

3. The sentimental fool from Episode One who tried to pawn one of his late grandmother's rings in the same breath he mourns her recent death. His verbal and physical assault on Ashley sparked Les's rage, because NOBODY insults his daughter in his store. It also brought Ashley to tears.

2. "DogMan," the tall computer genius with anger management issues in Episode Two who orders Les to retrieve the hard drive from his pawned PC and calls everybody "Dog." "Who let the dog out?" asked Les, who unleashed his first "MF" of the season. "Byron let the dog out!"

And, still reigning at No. 1:

The boy genius from Episode One who came in looking to buy a portable generator and asked, "It doesn't run on electricity, does it?" When he demanded to bring the generator to his home to test it out and is denied, he got the Byron Bounce and ended up humping one of the tall front-door pylons on his way to the parking lot!

 

He might have been bi-"pole"-ar.