HARDCORE PAWN, Episode Twelve: And You'll Go to Bed Without Your Supper, Too!

"In the heart of Detroit's 8 Mile lies the city's biggest and baddest pawn shop...."

I am Michiganian by birth, Detroiter by heart. I spent more than 30 years in the Automotive Capital of Earth, became a man and a professional there, so shows that are set in Detroit or attempt to capture a slice of life in the Motor City are especially dear to me.

Hardcore Pawn is an amazingly successful, largely unsung Detroit TV wonder. Shot inside the now-iconic American Jewelry and Loan on Eight Mile Road, Hardcore Pawn is truTV's most consistently successful series: its season seven premiere last March 26 drew the cable channel's largest audience ever in the coveted demo of adults 18-49. It's basic cable's No. 1 unscripted program in its 9 p.m. (EST) Tuesday time slot, spawned a spinoff series in Hardcore Pawn: Chicago and, if it weren't for the unbelievably whacked-out string of belligerent, ignorant, foulmouthed customers it spotlights, would be a continuing source of pride for Detroiters.

Moreover, I have grown to know series stars Les and Seth Gold and Ashley Gold Broad personally. I've written several stories on the family-owned business, including this feature for HOUR Detroit magazine. I've even patronized the place: the wristwatch I wear every day was purchased at American Jewelry and Loan. So for its lucky seventh season, I've selected Hardcore Pawn as a series to review here on a weekly basis. Here's a recap of Episode Twelve, aired on July 2:

Last week we bemoaned the lackluster quality of Episode 11, which we'll call "Ashley's 'Stay Out of My Deals, Seth – or Else!" show.  I even suggested that last week might have been the disposable, sacrificial-lamb episode used to set the stage for some Big Bang spectacular to follow.

Well, I don't like to brag when I'm right, but I'm so seldom right that please allow me to say: BOY, WAS I RIGHT!

Like the opposite side of the same Gold coin, Episode 12 was everything Episode 11 was not: roundly entertaining, unpredictable and unusually visceral. It featured extremely loud and obnoxious customers (even for Hardcore Pawn), a surprising act of charity and a shocking (does that word get used too often in reality TV?) final act. There actually were "firsts" in this episode, and for a series that's been around seven seasons, that's saying something.

Even the weekly bickering between Ashley and Seth that is the one constant of this series, even though you know it's greatly intensified for the sake of the camera (you do know that, right?), seemed more vehement, more personal – more real – this time around.

The episode touched upon two great ills of our present-day society: the woeful lack of self-esteem among many of today's young women, like the show's first customer who demanded $1,500 for a sack of baseball cards so she could bail her "baby daddy" out of jail, convinced he loves her because she was the first of his many woman he called for money (Dr. Phil should have been in line right behind her); and fears over our economy and soaring gas prices, evidenced by the fellow who wanted to sell his circular saw just for cash to fill up his tank.

Ashley is negotiating each deal and Seth is certain she's in over her head with both, her knowledge of sports memorabilia and power tools not being exactly profound. The first deal blows up when the customer refuses to take less money, eventually mooning security chief Byron after he shows her the door. (Do these people act like this at Walmart, too?) The second, although it appears to progressing smoothly, prompts Seth to jump in and "rescue" it, over Ashley's repeated protests of, "I got this...I got this."

And she believed she did. "I had the saw under control," she screamed, bursting into Seth's office after the deal was completed.

"When have you had anything under control?" Seth mocked, reminding her of two deals from the previous week, for gold and home repair materials, that had their issues.

"I don't need your help!" she steamed. "I need you to stay out of my business! I'm warning you."

Ooooh, a threat. Or foreshadowing, depending on your definition. Les commented that he's sick of watching his offspring bickering like three-year-olds, which may be an insult to three-year-olds everywhere. 

Then came one of the coolest moments in Hardcore Pawn history. A gentleman arrived from a small nonprofit museum in Howell and said he has an "insane" hobby of collecting nautical antiques. He showed Les an 1875 U.S. Lighthouse Service fog signal, a device most of us (including Les) never knew existed. It's a wooden box with a hand crank atop it which, when taken to the farthest point of shore and activated, makes a droning, gawdawful noise. Les made the mistake of asking if it works, and the seller was only too happy to demonstrate – in the middle of the showroom.

Les wants it. Badly. So badly that when the two can't come to terms between the owner's $750 lowest price and Les's $500 counteroffer and the man turned to walk out, Les chased him down before he could reach the door. How about $550, Les proposed.

Instead, the seller made a startling proposal. "I know you have a nonprofit you care about," he said. (Actually Les has a few, including Detroit's Heat and Warmth Fund, or THAW.) "Give me the $750 and I will turn around and donate it to your nonprofit."

'You two – take a hike!' Les demands. (Turner: Mark Hill)

Les, seldom one at a loss for words, is nearly knocked speechless. "He made an offer that even I can't refuse," he marveled.

You'd prefer to leave a tender moment alone, but the good feelings and bonhomie were quickly shattered by an earsplitting, frustrated customer who erupts after claiming she'd waited in line over two hours. Much to Ashley's delight, Seth's calm explanations to the woman appeared to have no effect whatsoever, so Ashley felt obligated to step into this "deal."

This obscene, boorish babe will be remembered for several things: placing the blame on American Jewelry and Loan for not informing her earlier when Ashley discovered she'd been standing in the wrong line for two hours, and loudly clapping her hands in Ashley's face, gospel revival style, while ordering her to "Begone!" as their confrontation heated up. (Ashley retaliated by clapping her hands in the same manner; they nearly had a clapping slap-off.)

But it was the string of insults she spewed as she was led to the exit that will resound for some time. "You're Daddy's Girl, b***h!" she hurled. "Your brother don't even like you, ho!"

And to Les, once she's outside: "That's your daughter?" she charged."You should have slapped that b***h hefore the doctor did when she came out!" Not exactly original material, but inventive for the moment. (And significant, as one of the rare scenes where a customer tacitly acknowledges knowing the Golds from the show. Often customers act as if the Golds are simply pawn shop proprietors they've never seen before, which at this stage of the game in Detroit seems a bit preposterous.)

Ah, but the coup de grace of this episode, which led to a historic first for the show, was yet to come. A customer named Scott came in with an autographed Detroit Tigers baseball from 1970 that he received through an inheritance. He's not from Detroit so the ball has no significance to him, and he needed to sell it to finance a trip to Puerto Rico. Naturally, Ashley handled the transaction. Just as naturally, Seth was certain she'd botch things up.

"What do you know about baseball?' Seth demanded. "A lot," Ashley replied. They commenced offering conflicting prices for the ball, to the point where Scott felt compelled to ask, "Who am I negotiating here with?"

The bidding war then escalated into a vicious argument over how much Ashley knows about baseball, so loud that Les cranked up the antique fog machine he purchased earlier to try and quiet them down!

Scott was told to shut up in the middle of his own deal, and he'd seen enough. "I'll take my business elsewhere," he said, snatching back his baseball. "You two can finish this up on your own time. I thought you were professional and tactful. Evidently I was mistaken."

Ouch! An articulate customer putdown. And Les was livid! He doesn't have many rules, but arguing in public in front of a customer and blowing a deal rank at the top.

"I have never been more embarrassed of my children than I am at this moment!" he bellowed, then did the unimaginable: Les sends both his kids home immediately, warning them not to return until their attitudes improve and their bickering ceases. If they're going to act like children, he will treat them as such! I've never seen that take place before, veteran Hardcore Pawn viewers, have you?

And did you catch the very slight wince of discomfort Les displayed at the end of the episode? A stress-induced attack, perhaps? What a great little moment of setting the stage for next week's show! Let's hope there are no ambulances in the parking lot...not even for sale.

*          *          *

Nothing in these 30 minutes worth upsetting the delicate balance of our Top 5 Most Outrageous Hardcore Pawn Customer Ejections of the season. So they remain the same, and the same is as follows: 

5. The "running naked guy" from Episode Ten who broke a floor lamp on the AJ&L sales floor, then tried to blame security chief Byron for the damage. After Byron responded to his accusation by showing him the door, he vented his outrage by stripping off his clothes and dashing au naturel around the store's parking lot yelling, "I make you horny bitches." A tough act to follow – in more ways than one.

4. The sentimental fool from Episode One who tried to pawn one of his late grandmother's rings in the same breath he mourned her recent death. His verbal and physical assault on Ashley sparked Les's rage, because NOBODY insults his daughter in his store. The confrontation brought Ashley to tears.

3. "DogMan," the tall computer genius with anger management issues in Episode Two who orders Les to retrieve the hard drive from his pawned PC and calls everybody "Dog." "Who let the dog out?" asked Les, who unleashed his first "MF" of the season. "Byron let the dog out!"

 

2. The belligerent, bare-butt bonehead from Episode Seven who pulled items off the shelves as Les looked on, then tried to sell Les's own merchandise back to him. When his scam was revealed, the ballsy burglar was dragged kicking to the exit – and his balls were about the only thing we didn't see as his jeans dropped to his ankles. "Time for your ass to be thrown out," Les ordered. "And what an ass that was."

And the returning champ among the three-fries-short-of-a-Happy-Meal crowd, still leader of the pack at No. 1:

The boy genius from Episode One who came in looking to buy a portable generator and asked, "It doesn't run on electricity, does it?" When he demanded to bring the generator to his home to test it out and was summarily refused, he got the Byron Bounce and ended up humping one of the tall front-door pylons on his way to the parking lot.

Well, he sure showed them something, didn't he?

HARDCORE PAWN Episode Six: Everybody's 'Fired' Up!

"In the heart of Detroit's 8 Mile lies the city's biggest and baddest pawn shop...."

I am Michiganian by birth, Detroiter by heart. I spent more than 30 years in the Automotive Capital of Earth, became a man and a professional there, so shows that are set in Detroit or attempt to capture a slice of life in the Motor City are especially dear to me.

Hardcore Pawn is an amazingly successful, largely unsung Detroit TV wonder. Shot inside the now-iconic American Jewelry and Loan on Eight Mile Road, Hardcore Pawn is truTV's most consistently successful series: its season seven premiere last March 26 drew the cable channel's largest audience ever in the coveted demo of adults 18-49. It's basic cable's No. 1 unscripted program in its 9 p.m. (EST) Tuesday time slot, spawned a spinoff series in Hardcore Pawn: Chicago and, if it weren't for the unbelievably whacked-out string of belligerent, ignorant, foulmouthed customers it spotlights, would be a continuing source of pride for Detroiters.

Moreover, I have grown to know series stars Les and Seth Gold and Ashley Gold Broad personally. I've written several stories on the family-owned business, including this feature for HOUR Detroit magazine. I've even patronized the place: the wristwatch I wear every day was purchased at American Jewelry and Loan. So for its lucky seventh season, I've selected Hardcore Pawn as a series to review here on a weekly basis. Here's a recap of Episode Six, aired on April 30:

Hyped by the most eye-popping promo commercial of the season – an erotic encounter between a customer and a stuffed bear in the middle of the showroom, and a wild-eyed Seth ranting in the warehouse before deciding on his own to fire an employee – the sixth episode of Hardcore Pawn, "Busted," promised much. And for the most part, it delivered.

 

This may not be the best half-hour of the season to date (Episode Three, the sibling rivalry contest between Ashley and Seth that culminated in Seth's huge "Make Her Quit" billboard over the store, may claim that honor), but it might be my favorite thus far.

 

Along the way we learned a new term of endearment – "Asha-Lee-Lee" – and an exotic new urban verb construction – "better don't," as in, "You better don't miss an episode of Hardcore Pawn. But if you do, you can always read the Big Glowing Box recap!"

Six weeks in, the arrest of American Jewelry and Loan's head of security for a series of thefts in the jewelry repair area, the shocking conclusion to last season, still impacts the action at the pawn shop. The mounting father-son anger between Les and Seth is thick enough to cut with a diamond as this episode commences, with Seth announcing that jewelry repair expert Jeff is out sick. 

 

Subsequently, Seth issues a loud, ominous "zero tolerance" warning to the staff: absolutely NO ONE is to venture into Jeff's work area. Failure to comply will be cause for immediate dismissal.

(You can see the future at this point, right?)

(Credit: Mark Hill/Turner)

More troubling is the fact that Les already issued such a warning previously, yet Seth feels the need to restate it and up the ante with the threat of unemployment. "I can't believe my dad and brother are still fighting, and now they won't even talk to each other," Ashley laments. "If the two of them don't get on the same page, the whole store is going to crumble." 

 

Well, that may be overstating matters a touch, but anytime Ashley has to serve as peacemaker you know all is not well in the land of Gold.

Apparently her calming intentions extend to the customers. A quick, tart-tongued Little Richard lookalike is cussing out the entire window staff to retrieve his TV out of hock until Ashley intervenes. Once they establish their mutual love for Detroit, the perturbed patron instantly softens. He even leaves the window smiling – until he inspects his set and discovers scratches he insists were not there before. 

 

Ashley notes that his claim ticket says otherwise, inciting his ire once again. "Asha-Lee-Lee, listen to me-me!" he implores. 

 

When he refuses to leave the store, Les steps in. When he wags his finger in Les's face, the customer steps out. Quickly, with security guard Byron's help. "Bald-headed rascal!" he shouts at Les upon departing.

Irate customer No. 2 arrives. (Where do they all come from? Can there really be that much anger in Detroit?) He contends the ring he bought at AJ&L was dirty, and his lady isn't going to give him any until he gets it cleaned. 

 

Les asks longtime employee Bobby J. to go clean and polish the ring – which of course means he must travel into Jeff's off-limits workspace! When Seth, who's monitoring the security cameras like an IRS agent scrutinizes your return, sees Bobby walking around Jeff's desk without context, his next move is clear.

Meanwhile, although it's hard to label any segment "weirdest" amid the long legacy of Hardcore Pawn lunacy, two moments in this episode deserve at least to be in the discussion. One is a google-eyed gent so attracted to a full-sized stuffed and mounted black bear that, well, he looks like he wants to stuff and mount it. He sniffs it, lovingly plays with its fur, even sticks his hand between its legs (triggering one of the greatest Ashley reaction shots ever) before finally deciding "we (he and the bear) are not feeling it." 

 

"I saw this guy meet a bear, have a relationship with the bear and break up with the bear, all in a matter of five minutes," Ashley marvels. 

 

Later, a woman and her sardonic daughter arrive with a cart full of "really expensive stuff" – old liquor bottles, vinyl albums and a stamp collection among them. When Les informs the mom that her items are "a whole lotta nothin'," daughter can't resist an I-told-you-so wisecrack. Mama don't take no mess. 

 

"You better don't go there!" she snaps back, and suddenly their give-and-take turns physical, as in trading punches in the showroom. 

Peace is quickly restored and the two women escorted from the premises, with Les pushing mom's cart full of dreams behind them. "You better don't leave this stuff in here," he says. In the process, Les delivers one of the all-time great ironic lines in Hardcore history: 

 

"I can't believe a mother and daughter were just fighting over a stamp collection," he deadpans. "I hate when families fight."

 

Les, still pining over his failure to close the deal on a replica Vernor's ginger ale delivery truck in Episode Four, buys a neon Vernor's window sign as kind of a personal consolation prize. But the big fizz in this episode is Seth calling Bobby into his office and actually firing him for entering the sacred jewelry repair territory. 

 

When Bobby responds that Les authorized him to be there, Seth has no choice but to rescind his termination. "I'm pissed," says Seth. "I don't want my dad making me look like the a--hole because he's breaking his own f---ing rules!"

 

The father-son confrontation at show's end seemed louder and even more ferocious than normal. "You were going to fire Bobby J. without even talking to me about it?" Les charges. "What the hell is wrong with you? Who you gonna fire next, Seth...me?"

 

Ohhh, wouldn't he like to? He thinks the old man is "screwing up" (his words) by not following his own policies; Les is furious that his son would berate him in front of the employees. Enter Ashley the Peacemaker to halt their tirade. "You two have to talk to each other!" she pleads. "You two have been at each other's throats ever since Joe got caught stealing! It's time to move on."

 

Think they will? Hey, it's a long season. They've got plenty episodes to go.   

#          #          #

It took four long weeks, but we finally have a cockeyed customer with the chutzpah to rank as one of our Top 5 most outrageous Hardcore Pawn ejections of the season.

 

The quick, sharp-tongued man in this episode's first scene who became enchanted by Ashley – or "Asha-Lee-Lee," as he preferred – only to eventually wag his finger in Les's face (a serious American Jewelry and Loan no-no) over his scratched TV screen displaces Josh, the determined doofus from Dallas in Episode Three, in the No. 5 spot on our list. (Are congratulations in order here? It's hard to say.) However, the four best toss-outs from 2013 remain unchanged. They are:

4. Patrick, the demented drum dealer from Up North in Episode Three who declared, "Everybody knows Ashley from American Jewelry and Loan is a bitch!" Security chief Byron showed Patrick the door so quickly, Ashley had to chase him down in the parking lot to return his "antique" African drum.

3. The sentimental fool from Episode One who tried to pawn one of his late grandmother's rings in the same breath he mourns her recent death. His verbal and physical assault on Ashley sparked Les's rage, because NOBODY insults his daughter in his store. It also brought Ashley to tears.

2. "DogMan," the tall computer genius with anger management issues in Episode Two who orders Les to retrieve the hard drive from his pawned PC and calls everybody "Dog." "Who let the dog out?" asked Les, who unleashed his first "MF" of the season. "Byron let the dog out!"

And, still reigning at No. 1:

The boy genius from Episode One who came in looking to buy a portable generator and asked, "It doesn't run on electricity, does it?" When he demanded to bring the generator to his home to test it out and is denied, he got the Byron Bounce and ended up humping one of the tall front-door pylons on his way to the parking lot!

 

He might have been bi-"pole"-ar.

HARDCORE PAWN Five: This One's for the Ladies – Old and Naked, Young and Feisty

"In the heart of Detroit's 8 Mile lies the city's biggest and baddest pawn shop...."

I am Michiganian by birth, Detroiter by heart. I spent more than 30 years in the Automotive Capital of Earth, became a man and a professional there, so shows that are set in Detroit or attempt to capture a slice of life in the Motor City are especially dear to me.

Hardcore Pawn is an amazingly successful, largely unsung Detroit TV wonder. Shot inside the now-iconic American Jewelry and Loan on Eight Mile Road, Hardcore Pawn is truTV's most consistently successful series: its season seven premiere last March 26 drew the cable channel's largest audience ever in the coveted demo of adults 18-49. It's basic cable's No. 1 unscripted program in its 9 p.m. (EST) Tuesday time slot, spawned a spinoff series in Hardcore Pawn: Chicago and, if it weren't for the unbelievably whacked-out string of belligerent, ignorant, foulmouthed customers it spotlights, would be a continuing source of pride for Detroiters.

Moreover, I have grown to know series stars Les and Seth Gold and Ashley Gold Broad personally. I've written several stories on the family-owned business, including this feature for HOUR Detroit magazine. I've even patronized the place: the wristwatch I wear every day was purchased at American Jewelry and Loan. So for its lucky seventh season, I've selected Hardcore Pawn as a series to review here on a weekly basis. Here's a recap of Episode Five, aired on April 23:

In this milestone, rollercoaster 100th-episode season, it feels like Hardcore Pawn keeps trying to step outside the boundaries of what it does best – 100 shows is a whole lot of wheeler-dealing, family infighting and customer brawling, after all – then realizes the error of its ways and snaps back to form the following week. The last installment, the 100th show, was one of its weakest efforts of the year; this week's edition was one of the best.

Fast-paced and fascinating, this half-hour featured two elements I can't remember ever seeing before, much less in the same episode (Hardcore Pawn fanatics, correct me if I'm wrong): two women engaged in a vicious in-store fight that had nothing to do with the Golds or American Jewelry and Loan personnel (they just happened to use the shop as their arena of combat); and an in-your-face confrontation between two of the customer service employees behind the notorious glass.

This was unquestionably a female-dominated episode, yet ironically Ashley played a very small role in it. After beginning with the slam-bang of a customer ejection right off the top – a tall F-bomb dropping gent who demanded to "holla at" Seth for disputing the number of karats in his gold necklace, only to receive the necktie collar from security guard Byron – the theme of the evening began to reveal itself.

Nikki, one of the service reps, is having a bad day at her station, which she describes as a "high-traffic window for pissed customers." She asks Seth if she can switch places with Christina at the relatively hassle-free window No. 1, and he immediately agrees. As you could predict, Christina is not overjoyed by Seth's decision, and calls Nikki a "crybaby" for running to the boss. More on this in a minute.

Credit: Mark Hill/Turner

A customer named Craig approaches Ashley with an "auto stereoscope," a device built in 1905 that contains a Victorian-era peep show within a wooden cabinet. Recognizing that the piece is an antique, she quickly calls Les over to consult. (What is she saying, exactly?)

"Naked girls, all over the place," Les remarks, peering through the viewfinder – albeit faded, sepia-toned images of early 1900s naked women. Ultimately, price becomes the stumbling block.

The other cool item displayed in this episode was a clear Lucite bowling ball with a small red boxing glove encased inside, a Sugar Ray Leonard deluxe ball autographed by the boxer himself. The seller picked the right target in Seth, who never saw a bit of sports memorabilia he didn't like. The uniqueness of the piece made for a spirited, intense negotiation.

After the Main Event – two female friends who come to blows after one realizes the other pawned her computer without permission – Christina and Nikki nearly start duking it out themselves before Les intervenes and returns them to their original posts.

Ultimately, as is so often the case, what we have here is a failure to communicate: Les tells Seth he should have been consulted first before switching the two workers because there's a method to it all, but Seth fails to grasp the significance. "When will this end?" Seth cries.

Well, never, we hope. Otherwise, Hardcore Pawn wouldn't be the same!

Random note: After erecting a giant billboard in Episode Three encouraging customers to make Ashley quit and receive a discount on their purchase, Seth may have created his standard insult for the rest of the season. For the second week in a row, he has passed by Ashley and cracked, "What's the problem? No one's got you to quit yet?" Before that line gets too old, we should expect some Ashley retaliation.

POSTSCRIPT: You may recall I deemed the funniest segment of last week's Episode Four the gentleman who came in attempting to sell his "I-Grow Laser Hair Growth System" to Les, who persuaded Bobby to check out the glowing silver helmet by sticking it on his head. The punchline: the seller was bald himself!

Well, through the magic that is social media, I've heard from the fellow. His name is John Pullum, he's a motivational speaker, and he reports that he sold the magic hair-growing dome a few days after the taping for $650! Les, you may have scalped yourself on that deal!

#          #          #

There was a momentary twitch where I thought the gold-chain goon tossed out at the beginning of this episode might crack our list of the season's Top 5 outrageous customer ejections. But ultimately I realized his two-point landing outside the store didn't measure up to those who have been given the boot before him. So for the third week in a row, five best American Jewelry and Loan store heave-hos in 2013 remain unchanged. They are:

5. Josh, the Dallas doofus from Episode Three who demanded $500 for his worthless watch.

4. Patrick, the demented drum dealer from Up North, also in Episode Three, who declared, "Everybody knows Ashley from American Jewelry and Loan is a bitch!" Security chief Byron showed Patrick the door so quickly, Ashley had to chase him down in the parking lot to return his "antique" African drum.

3. The sentimental fool from Episode One who tried to pawn one of his late grandmother's rings in the same breath he mourns her recent death. His verbal and physical assault on Ashley sparked Les's rage, because NOBODY insults his daughter in his store. It also brought Ashley to tears.

2. "DogMan," the tall computer genius with anger management issues in Episode Two who orders Les to retrieve the hard drive from his pawned PC and calls everybody "Dog." "Who let the dog out?" asked Les, who unleashed his first "MF" of the season. "Byron let the dog out!"

And, still reigning at No. 1:

The boy genius from Episode One who came in looking to buy a portable generator and asked, "It doesn't run on electricity, does it?" When he demanded to bring the generator to his home to test it out and is denied, he got the Byron Bounce and ended up humping one of the tall front-door pylons on his way to the parking lot!

Come on, HP producers – give these goofballs some competition! 

HARDCORE PAWN, Episode Two: Workers of the World, Revolt!

"In the heart of Detroit's 8 Mile lies the city's biggest and baddest pawn shop...."

I am Michiganian by birth, Detroiter by heart. I spent more than 30 years in the Automotive Capital of Earth, became a man and a professional there, so shows that are set in Detroit or attempt to capture a slice of life in the Motor City are especially dear to me.

Hardcore Pawn in particular is an amazingly successful, largely unsung Detroit TV jewel. Shot inside the now-iconic American Jewelry & Loan on Eight Mile Road, Hardcore Pawn ended its sixth season with 3.4 million viewers on truTV, largest audience in the network's history. It's basic cable's No. 1 unscripted program in its 9 p.m. (EST) Tuesday time slot, spawned a spinoff series in Hardcore Pawn: Chicago and, if it weren't for the unbelievably whacked-out string of belligerent, ignorant, foulmouthed customers it spotlights, it would be a continuing source of pride for Detroiters.

Moreover, I have grown to know series stars Les and Seth Gold and Ashley Gold Broad personally. I've written several stories on the family-owned business, including this feature for HOUR Detroit magazine. I've even patronized the place: the wristwatch I wear every day was purchased at American Jewelry & Loan. So for its lucky seventh season, which premiered Tuesday, March 26, I've selected Hardcore Pawn as a series to review here on a weekly basis. Here's a recap of Episode Two, aired April 2:

When we left last week's season-opening episode, the female loan workers at American Jewelry & Loan were ending their workday with steam pouring out of their ears. They vehemently objected to Seth's new policy of searching every employee each day as they left the store. (This move a knee-jerk reaction to the pawn shop's head of security caught on tape stealing gold and diamonds, the bombshell that ended last season.)

As this episode begins, we see exactly how angry the women are: They stage a mass "sick-out" in protest, with virtually none of the back-office employees showing up for work. Les, Seth and Ashley have no alternative but to work the customer windows themselves.

"You know this is all your fault," Ashley, never one to mince her words, accuses Seth. "You and your body searches, Seth!"

"Me and my body searches?" counters Seth, prior to delivering one of the lamest rationales in modern television history. "All the girls call in sick, maybe they're really sick."

Nice try. "I don't remember ever a time in our history where all of the loan girls walked out and never came back the next day!" Ashley concludes.

Oops.

(Credit: Mark Hill/Turner)

It takes Les, oh, about three minutes to remember why he stopped working the windows 20 years ago. A tall, very insistent young man arrives asking to retrieve the hard drive from a computer he pawned at American. Problem: Once you pawn an item, it's owned by the pawn shop until you buy it back. All of it.

As you've come to expect, the hard-drive hooligan grows increasingly irate, declares he's not leaving until he gets what he came for, and begins slapping the glass in front of Les's face while repeatedly calling him "Dog." Don't slap the glass in front of Les's face and call him "Dog." Les goes so far as to write "NO" in big block letters on a piece of paper and hold it in front of the troublemaker's face, growing so irritated himself that he unleashes his first "MF" of the season. Byron, the new head of security, eventually dog-pounds the fist-swinging scoundrel while showing him the door, the season's first great ejection.

"Who let the dog out?" Les asks Seth. "Byron let the dog out!"

Meanwhile, Ashley just can't stop herself. "You know this is going to bite you in the ass," she tells Seth. "Did you see how angry the employees were when they walked out last night?"

"Why don't you shut up and get back to work?" Seth gently suggests.

She does. Ashley works the phones, trying to contact the wayward workers and convince them to return to work the next day. At first all her calls go directly to voicemails, spiking her frustration. When Ashley finally does make contact, one employee tells her she didn't appreciate "being treated like a criminal" over an incident in which she played no part and questions whether she'll ever come back to work. "Don't make any final decisions," Ashley implores. "I will deal with Seth."

Seth doesn't witness her phone campaign; all he knows is, she's not helping him at the customer windows. 

Meanwhile, Les leaves his post as well, drawn outside to view a massive, impressively detailed wooden cigar humidor that the goateed seller claims was made by the Detroit Showcase Company circa 1920. He's asking slightly less than $10,000, and Les, a cigar smoker himself, knows the humidor is worth it. Problem is, it'll be almost impossible to resell and if he decides to keep it, where is he going to put it? After initially walking away from the deal, Les throws a last-minute Hail Mary and gets the humidor hustler to agree to $1,400 rather than hauling it home. But it takes Les almost an hour to negotiate the price, making window-bound Seth even testier.

After the half-hour's most entertaining segment – a loud, wiry woman who demands to see her lying store-employee boyfriend about unpaid child support (a boyfriend who apparently lied about working at American, since no such employee exists) and is slyly persuaded to leave by being told he's outside on his break – Seth's teeming anger boils over. When a black-capped customer shouts and cavorts so outrageously that Seth can't complete a simple business call, he steps from behind the glass, confronts him, ejects him, then calls an emergency family meeting in his office.

Seth's rage may be slightly misplaced. "I've had it! What in the world is going on with you guys today!" he charges. He accuses Ashley of being on "a coffee break all day" and Les of taking "an hour to negotiate a hunk of wood and glass."

Les and Ashley's jaws drop in unison.

Their reaction is swift and pointed: Seth, THIS IS YOUR FAULT! "My fault?" he reacts. "That our employees steal from us, this is my fault?"

Not a classic Hardcore Pawn episode by any means, but watchable nonetheless. It ends in a flurry of yelling and accusations, but no resolution. Will the workers return? Will harmony be restored to American Jewelry and Loan? Like the off-camera announcers used to say back in the Dark Ages, "Tune in next week."

NOTE: It was very cool to see Les, Seth and Ashley appear in a customized commercial promoting the Friday, April 5 release of Evil Dead, the remake of the 1981 cult-horror classic. One set of Detroit originals, plugging another.